Monday, December 24, 2007

Jen VS. the potty monster and other stories from a sleep deprived mind.

Here are some stories I probably wouldn't share if I weren't so hopelessly sleep deprived that I may be a little more crazy than usual.

Jen VS. the potty monster.

The toilet won't quit making that noise. It's not a constant noise. It waits until you just start to drift off to sleep then starts slow and builds. It wouldn't be so bad if it were constant. You could pretend you were sleeping next to a waterfall.

Usually noises don't bother me while I am sleeping. I think I am over tired so it is getting to me. It bugs me that I can't fix it. Usually I can figure out the inner workings of a toilet. So at 3 A.M. I am, once again, elbow deep in the tank of the toilet. It's not the floater ball, or the arm, it's the rubber gasket at the bottom of the tank. Its not sealing tight so water slowly leaks out and when it gets too low the toilet starts running again. I keep thinking I have fixed it but it waits. Just when I am about to drift off again it makes its whoosh noise. I think it may be laughing at me.

While I have the lid off the tank I notice a small, very old, faded, stamp that says inspected by D. Womack. That's weird. The real estate person who sold this house was named Dee Womack.

I give up and go back to bed. Jeff asks if I am alright. I explain my theory on the toilet really being a evil monster thats sole purpose and joy in life is keeping me from sleeping. I then tell him about the marking in the toilet. Did the real estate lady stamp the inside of the toilet? Is she a qualified toilet inspector? But it couldn't have been her because the stamp looks so old. So maybe 50 years ago her grandfather was a building inspector and inspected this house. Wow, how weird would that be? Then 50 years later his own granddaughter sells the very same house he inspected.

At that point Jeff informs me that I am out of my mind and I should go to sleep.

Yes, I agree. I start to drift off when the toilet laughs and starts to run.

Smelly closet.

Why does the closet smell funny? Usually the answer to this question is because the kids were playing camp out in the closet and someone left a cup of milk and/or food in there. But not today. Oh no, we weren't that lucky today.

I came home late Christmas Eve and wanted to find our Christmas story books. I looked on the bookshelf, in the various toy boxes and in a big basket of books. No luck. Then I remembered I had another basket of books in Cam's closet.

I reached in to get the basket and noticed the closet smelled really bad. Oh no. What now? I see the books and pick up the first one I can reach. It is covered in something gross and stinky. I trudge on and grab the next book, also covered in something gross and stinky but with the added feature of a pair of shorts permanently cemented to the surface. I gasped and let out a yell. Could it be? Surely not. Wait, it is. Ahhgh! At this point Cameron, who is in bed behind me, says "Oh, Mom you found my poop."

"Yes.... Yes I did." I answer in a calm voice. "And why exactly is poop in your closet?"

Three days earlier when I had to work a double and was at work for 16 hours Cam had a bit of a tummy bug. Most of the time he made it to the potty and Daddy helped him get cleaned up. Apparently once he had a major blow out and didn't get to the bathroom.

"Mom, the poop was making me sad so I decided to hide it in my closet so no one would find it. "

"Uh huh."

Thinking to myself:

"OK, yes, that makes perfect sense. Because no one ever goes into the closet to get stuff like clothes and various toys out. Sure the poop will just blink out of existence in there. Problem solved. The closet is like a portal to another universe where they really like to find old poop."

Out loud:

"I am sorry you were sick and sad. Everyone has accidents sometimes. I would much rather you tell me so I can help you. Lets not hide poop OK?"

"OK Mom."

"Did you hide poop any place else?"

"Nope. Just the closet."


So I put 2 books and a pair of shorts in the trash and got out the giant can of Lysol.

What a fun Christmas surprise!

Kay's naked table dance.

Darling Kaylynne has become quite good at climbing onto very high things. She already got on the table and ate Cam's marshmallow picture. This week she took it a step further. I gave her a bath and put her down so I could get her clothes. She took off and by the time I made it into the room she had climbed onto the table. She was still naked at the time. So here is a picture of Kay's naked table dance wearing nothing but a big smile.

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